Monday, May 31, 2010

What's black and white and dead meat? *

I have never been a big fan of cats. I know they have their devotees, and a disturbingly large number of people would probably agree to let cats take over the world if the situation presented itself. I. am. not. one. of. those. people.

Let's say this: cats and I are like oil and water. There are simply too many contentious points of disagreement between us. For instance:

1. Cat pee is not among my favored fragances. Far from it.

2. Cat 'rubbing' creeps me out.

3. Cat jack-in-the-box surprises freak me out.

4. Cat attitude irks me.

I think that's plenty--you get it. I'm a dog person, but I treat cats like I treat obnoxious humans: I ignore them to the best of my ability and remove myself from their presence whenever possible.

Well I can no longer continue my passive-agressive attitude. Not after what happened this morning. This morning, the gauntlet was thrown down by a cat wearing a zebra-striped kerchief. *Answer to the riddle above? My in-law's cat. This morning he climbed into my sons' suitcase and peed all over everything.

That's right. Obnoxious humans don't even do that--at least not the ones I know. I can't overlook this (as my MIL was happy to do--although she did offer to buy us a new suitcase after brushing ours down with some Dawn dishwashing liquid and throwing all the clothes left in the suitcase in the washer--the cat was defended until the bitter end). This is an act of war, and I have no choice but to step up to the plate.

But you can be sure I won't be peeing in his kitty bag. I would never stoop so low.
I could probably talk myself into dropping a couple of kitty litter bricks in his bed though...

Okay fine...I won't do that either.

Just thought of the perfect revenge. I'll get his brother, a tiny Maltese, a t-shirt that says, "I'm with stupid." I LOVE it. But please feel free to offer alternate suggestions. And if you're one of those people on board with a kitty coup, please don't take offense. This cat has it coming to him.


David Cranmer said...

I'm a dog and cat person. Is that allowed? Seriously, I'm really not sure that is allowed. I have a cat who really is there as a companion for my 84 year old mom, so I really appreciate the felines these days.

Brad said...

A few years ago my kids begged me to let them have two cats and against my better judgement I said yes. I still can't forget the smell of cat urine.

I like the t-shirt idea, I also like the idea of "accidentally" letting the cat go outside (far, far away).

You're not alone in your distaste for cats!

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Marg said...

I am always pleased to see other not a cat person posts, because I most certainly not a cat person. My mother is (kind of) and when I lived at home I had school bags peed in, kittens born in my wardrobe, in my bed. I fell over them, had to listen to them yowl outside my bedroom constantly.

Not a cat person, and don't think I ever will be.

Silver Strands said...

HAHAHAHAHA ... that is the best written reason for not owning cats I have ever read!

Al said...

I can see why you'd want to play "cat football" with this particular moggy.

Take it for a long walk on a short pier. Then deny all knowledge.

Beth said...

I am a dog lover. I've had cats pee on my front porch mat. You cannot get the stink out!
Do what you have to do... ;)

Lucy said...

I'm more of a dog person myself but some of the comments being made are pretty harsh. The t-shirt idea is kind of funny but suggestions of physical harm to the animal are not even remotely funny. The owner may have defended their cat but they also took responsibility for the cat's actions by offering to make restitution. I say let it go.

Alyssa Goodnight said...

Lucy, I would never harm a cat, and I'm sure that all these suggestions are just tongue-in-cheek. Cats bring out some inexplicably strong emotions in people, some good, some bad. Don't worry. :)

s + b said...

nothing makes me more nauseous than the smell of cat pee. i say quietly throw it out the window (as you can tell i am DEFINITELY not a cat person either)

s + b said...

oh - i just read over some of the previous comments - my suggestion was completely tongue-in-cheek, i would never actually throw an animal out of my window. ;)

Barrie said...

I think my dog would agree with most of what you've written!