Poké-Me (that's pronounced Pokey Me)

As obsessed as my boys are with Pokémon games and characters, it would probably be worth my while to reinvent myself as a Pokémon character and hand out trading cards. My cards, naturally, will be super-rare and the pride of any respectable collection.

So let's see...

Name.
I hear plenty of names bandied about around here, and when I tire of hearing, "Dude, I'm gonna use my Dialga..." or "Dude, can I trade you my Charizard for your Lucario?" or "Dude, my favorite Pokémon is Chimchar, Dude." (That's no typo--there are two 'Dudes' in that sentence.) I just bust into the conversation with Pokémon of my own. For instance, "Hey Dudes, what if I trade you my Squimchi for your Tibbiturri?" This results in two blank stares, followed by two eyerolls, followed by some conscientious ignoring.

So name...well, in all honesty, I kind of like Squimchi. I'll stick with that.

Okay, I'm definitely going to be an HP (I don't know what that means, but I know it's good.) Maybe a 120 HP, because the higher the better, right.

Poké-POWER.
Whiplash-wit, a death-grip of a grudge, and a flair with the baked goods.

Weakness. Little boy hugs. And maybe chocolate.

Resistance. Extremely strong. (Not exactly sure what this means).

Retreat Cost. Good manners and a little respect.

Appearance. No tail, no sharp teeth. Or, wait, maybe sharp teeth only when I'm angry. I'm turquoise with fairy feathers and those big girly cartoon eyes...and maybe a zorro mask.

Special Power. I can lay down a swath of frigid uncertainty or lure a smile with some impromptu singing.

I can evolve from a peaceful, playful, fluttery Squimchi to an exasperated, frustrated, teeth-out Squortle if you make the wrong move.

My card is kelly green and edged with glitter.