Sunday, January 24, 2010

Nice Buns

First off, let me say thank you for all the kind words about my new glasses--I appreciate all of them!

Secondly, let me state straightaway that this post has no photos of 'nice buns' in the traditional sense. Or any photos at all for that matter. Evidently, you are just going to have to take my words for this.

Friday I needed a quick lunch and a Filet-o-Fish sounded good. That's pretty much the only thing I get at McDonald's, and every once in a while I get a craving. Anyway, I went through the drive-through and then popped the cardboard box open on my lap at the next light, planning to eat on the run. As I stared down at that sandwich, I was struck, again, at how absolutely perfect McDonald's hamburger buns are--and here I'm talking about the naked ones, the un-sesame-seeded ones. They may not be the best tasting buns, but darn it, they are the prettiest! So soft and fresh-baked!

And, of course, this took me back to my first year of college--my only year at Ohio State--and my creative writing class. I believe our assignment was to write a short piece loaded down with description, and never one to come up with topics easily, I struggled over what to write about. Well, at the time, I occasionally stopped for a McDonald's cheeseburger lunch, and evidently, I was so struck by the sensory details of the situation that I decided to write my paper about the McDonald's cheeseburger. I must have been really, really hungry at the time.

So...I wrote it. I touched on the smooth softness of the buns, the ketchup/mustard combination, and the salty sourness of the pickles. I think it was about a three page paper, and it ran the gamut of that cheeseburger's appeal. Afterwards I was relieved to have come up with a topic and really quite satisfied with my work.

Once she'd graded each writing assignment, my creative writing professor would read 3-5 select papers anonymously to the class, and we'd discuss what about them had 'worked'. Well, up to this point, none of my papers had ever been read to the class, and quite frankly, I was fine with that. Well, guess what? This one was, and as soon as she'd read my title, I felt a little thrill of excitement.

It lasted until some odd innuendo started up (in the form of oohing and aahing) during the reading. Turns out the class thought it read like a pornographic short story! I couldn't believe it, and there's not a doubt in my mind that I was blushing like crazy. Then, if that wasn't bad enough, the paper had some definitive markings on the back of it--I think wild scratch-outs and scribbles from my very mess editing process--so when she handed out everyone's papers, face down, it was clear who had written the cheeseburger porn, and I could tell they were thinking, "Her? Seriously?" Cue mortification.

I had to leave Ohio State after that incident. I finished my college career at UT Austin, trying to fly under the radar.

I still have that paper up in the attic, and to this day, I don't really 'get it'--to me it's just about a cheeseburger. And evidently McDonald's buns have still got it. There's nothing wrong with that.


Sarakastic said...

I wish this had happened to me just so I could talk about the time I accidentally wrote porn.

Al said...

What a great story.
Thank goodness you hadn't been to a really classy restaurant, or you may have been arrested :)

Lucy said...

Oh that's hysterical. I think you should post the paper so that we can judge for ourselves. :o)

Stacy said...

Some people would have made a living off of that skill.

I think I know what you mean with the McDonalds buns. I bought a Filet O Fish over the holidays, and it occurred to me that it looked too perfect to be real. Did I get the display sandwich on accident???

Alyssa Goodnight said...

Lucy...I knew someone would ask to see it. I'll see if I can find it.

Kelly said...

I really would like to read that paper!!!!